Dumbledore Must Die!
by She-who-loves-fanfiction
Summary: When Sirius goes a bit cuckoo after being locked up all summer in Harry's fifth year, he decides to start a club. A club with a very clear goal: DUMBLEDORE MUST DIE. He's not sure that the idea will catch on, but when the theme song comes out...well, let's just say Voldemort proves his INSANE rapping skills. Funny, light-hearted multi-chapter fic. Read if you want a laugh!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the characters used here, apart from Brian Fisher.  
A/N: This is just silly light-hearted story. If you're looking for angst, you're not going to find it here.  
Enjoy xx **

"Pretty good turnout, don't you think, Moony?"  
Sirius Black turned to his friend, who was watching the room fill up with people with a despairing look on his face. The ballroom at Grimmauld Place had never been this full when Sirius' mother was alive, and that made Sirius laugh.  
"Ha ha ha ha! Mwa ha ha ha-"  
"Sirius? What are you…?"  
"Hee hee hee hee. Ho ho ho ho!"

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Remus Lupin sighed, and remembered what he'd told his fellow Marauder earlier. " _I'm coming. But just to make sure that you don't do anything stupid, like actually try to kill someone."  
_ "Alright, everybody, listen up!" Sirius called out loudly and the room fell into a low hum of chatter.  
"I'm just going to do a register, make sure that we know whose here, okay?"  
There was a low murmured assent, and Sirius hopped up onto the table he'd brought in with him, dipping his quill in his inkwell, ready to write.  
"Right, who've we got? Remus? Do you want to read the people out?"  
"Not particularly. Fine. OK, so there's me, and you."  
"I'm not an idiot, Moony."  
"That's news to me." Remus muttered, smiling to himself. "Right, OK, we have…" He stared in a kind of awestruck horror at the group in front of him. "Amos Diggory. Igor Karkaroff. Severus Sna-"  
"Hold up, Remus, I can't write that quickly. Igor…Karka…Karkaroff. How do you spell that?"  
"It's K…A…R…K…A…R…O…F…F. Karkaroff." The heavily accented man said unctuously, twirling his goatee around his finger.  
"OK, and then who was it?"  
"Severus Snape." The man in question gave Lupin a mocking sneer.  
"Sni…ve…llus…" Sirius muttered, scribbling furiously. "Next!"

"Cornelius Fudge and um…sorry, who are you?"  
"My name is Dolores Umbridge!" The rather unfortunate-looking woman had a high, squeaky voice, and her cardigan…well, her cardigan needed to be burnt at the nearest opportunity. "How dare you be so insubordinate as to not know who I am? I am the Senior Undersecretary for the Minister _himself_!" She hissed, and Sirius laughed.  
"I'm going to pretend that I care here, but I really don't. Next?"  
"The Malfoy family."  
"Ewww…" Sirius squealed childishly. "Remus, can we kick them out?"  
"No. We can't."  
"Really? Are you sure?"  
"Yes. I am sure. We cannot kick them out."  
Sirius huffed for a second, and then wrote their names down.  
"Mundungus Fletcher."  
"Oh, hiya Dung. How are you doing with those stolen cauldrons?"  
"No one wants 'em. Apparently they're broken. What a lark."  
"Moving on! We have…Barty Crouch Junior, and his house elf…?"  
"Winky, Mister."  
"Winky. And there's…Sirius, _where_ did you put these flyers?  
"All over Hogsmeade. And all over Malfoy Manor."  
Remus sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Okay, so we have Voldemort and a few of his Merry Men."  
"And woman!"  
"Sorry, and woman. Lord Voldemort and his Merry Men and Woman."  
"Vol…de…mort…"  
"Lord Voldemort!"  
"Oh, sorry, Lord Voldemort, and friends. Gotcha."  
"And then we've got…sorry, who are you?"  
"Brian. Brian Fisher."  
"Right. So, Brian, if you don't mind me calling you that, what do _you_ hate about Bumbledore?"  
"He put me in the same room as you four for seven years!"  
"Ah. Moving swiftly on! Lastly, we have Harry Potter!"  
"Hello Sirius."  
"How are you, pup?"  
"I want to murder Dumbledore."  
"That's the spirit! Now we know whose here," Sirius hopped off the table and waved his wand. "Welcome to the first meeting of…Dumbledore Must Die!" The walls changed to black with red accents, and a large poster behind Sirius' head read…well, what do you think it read?  
DUMBLEDORE MUST DIE!  
Sirius rubbed his hands together evilly, looking out at the small crowd.  
"So…anyone got any ideas?"  
The room erupted.

"Blow up his phoenix!"  
"Suffocate him in whipped cream!"  
"Uh ug ug uh!"  
"Bore him to death!"  
"Blood quill!"  
" _AVADA KEDRAVA!"_ Voldemort screamed, accidentally killing Brian.  
"Rip his throat out!"  
"Feed him food until he bursts!" Winky cried, and then immediately started hitting her head against the wall.  
"EXPELLIARMUS!" Harry shrieked excitedly, and Sirius' wand went flying out of his hand and hit Peter Pettigrew square on the nose.  
"Set fire to his beard!"  
" _AVADA KEDRAVA!"_ Voldemort screeched again, and Sirius ducked, narrowly avoiding joining Brian.

"Alright! Alright! I didn't mean about Dumbledore! Stop killing people! I meant, how are we going to get publicity for this? I mean, we want the public support, do we not? We can't exactly storm Hogwarts conveniently at the end of the school year because we care about the kids' education!"  
"But how will they get jobs?" Voldemort hissed suddenly, looking hesitant.  
"You shouldn't care about that! You're the Supreme Dark Lord of all! Voldemort! Captain Evil!"  
"It's just that, I found it really difficult to find long-term employment, and it can really damage your self-esteem, you know. I…I found…" The Supreme Dark Lord of all sniffed, and Bellatrix patted him on the back comfortingly. "The red eyes…they put people off…and when they find out about the torture…oh! It's too much! We MUST wait until the end of the school year. We can kill them once they have some job opportunities on the horizon."  
"Fine." Sirius grumbled, crossing his arms. "Any _other_ ideas?"  
"We could have t-shirts! And a logo! And a…a…a theme song!" Umbridge squealed, and promptly fainted, the excitement too much for her stone heart.  
"That's BRILLIANT!" Sirius grinned at her unconscious form, and clapped his hands together.  
"Let's get to work!"

 **Just to be clear, this will be a short, but multi-chapter fic.  
Hope you liked it,  
She-who-loves-fanfiction xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the characters used here, apart from Brian Fisher.  
A/N: This is just silly light-hearted story. If you're looking for angst, you're not going to find it here.  
Enjoy xx **

"Mm…ba bam bum…Dumbledore…must…DIE…Dumbledore…must DIE…ba bum bum…bum bum! Dumbledore must DIE!" Sirius sang to himself as he opened that morning's paper, and grinned as he saw the front page.

 ** _DUMBLEDORE MUST DIE?  
_** _Dumbledore must die? It's an idea we've all had in our heads at some point, I'm sure you'll agree, but escaped mass-murderer Sirius Black has apparently acted on that idea, forming a secret underground society that have announced their existence through the release of their hit single, 'Dumbledore must die!', and the remixed version, which involves some rather terrible rapping. How anyone likes that song, I'll never know._

 _Containing vocals from none-other than FIVE known Death Eaters, this song really is a fire-cracker, and it's no wonder that it's shot up the charts, overtaking Celestina Warbeck's new single, 'Rememberall Love' in hours. We must hope that Sirius and his merry band of thieves stop creating mediocre pop music, and instead focus on Dumbledore actually dying. Not that we want that to happen, of course. (Wink, wink.)  
-Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet Reporter for the stars._

Sirius folded his newspaper up, having seen all he needed to see, and stood up.  
"Alright! Roll-call! Voldemort?"  
"Present!"  
"Assembled Death Eaters?"  
"Present!"  
"Barty Crouch Junior and house elf?"  
"UG!"  
"Present!"  
"Malfoys?"  
"Present!"  
"Snivellus?"  
"Black, I'm warning you-"  
"Minister and deranged assistant?"  
"Present!"  
"Karkaroff?"  
"Present!"  
"Remus?"  
"Here."  
"Say present!"  
"Sorry, present."  
"Mundungus?"  
"I agree with Sirius." He mumbled sleepily, raising his arm.  
"OK. Whatever. Sirius? I'm present! And Harry?"  
"Present."  
"Excellent. Now, I've had an idea. How about we do…a choreographed dance routine?"  
"No, Sirius, we are not doing a dance routine." Remus sighed, feeling a headache coming on.

Two hours later…  
"Two, three and! Forward back, forward back, twirl click, twirl click, and Bella, here's your solo!"  
" _I…won't rest! Until I have Dumbledore's head!  
I…won't sleep! Until Dumbledore is dead!  
He has always wronged me…I just stand and laugh!  
His specs and his long white beard, they make me want to barf!  
You won't understand me. I know you won't!  
But I don't care…something that rhymes with won't!"_

"Excellent Bella! Now, everyone! One, two three, and:"  
 _"Dumbledore must die! Dumbledore must die! We will all be fine! Dumbledore must die!"  
_ "And Voldemort, off…you…go!"  
" _Avada Kedrava, I'm the killing king.  
And I'm gonna kill this really old thing.  
His name is Dumbledore, he's not cool.  
He's so bad they made him stay in school!  
I know I can't rap and I know I can't rhyme.  
But Dumbles, you're running out of time!"_

"And Harry, go!"  
 _"Yo, yo yo, I'm the Boy Who Lived,_  
 _And Dumbledore to me you know you really fibbed.  
You knew I was a Horcrux, you old liar,  
I'll turn you into a log and throw you in a fire.  
Once again I know I'm not a rapping king,  
But listen up, mate, I can really sing.  
You wanna hear me whistle? Listen carefully.  
Oh, look, Dumbles, I made your ears bleed."_

"Two, three and!"  
 _"Dumbledore must die! Dumbledore must die! We will all be fine! Dumbledore must die!"  
_ "And…jazz hands! That was amazing, everyone! We'll stop for lunch now. See you at one!"

Remus looked up wearily from where he was slumped in his chair.  
"Is it over?"  
"Oh, come on Remus, stop being such a sourpuss. We've got a hit single, an amazing dance routine and Dung said he bring us some t-shirts- oh! Speak of the devil!"  
Mundungus came forward as everyone filed out of the hall, holding up a t-shirt with Dumbledore on it, from when he asked Harry _calmly_ if he had put his name in the Goblet of Fire. "Bagman started selling 'em off cheap. I thought we could maybe write on them like this…" He pointed at the scribbled letters across picture Dumbledore's face: 'Dumbledore must die.', and under it. "Dumbles is going down."

"They're magnificent!" Sirius shrieked excitedly, pulling one over his head. "I love them! Voldy's going to want one for his freaky snake! Umbridge is going to want loads for her creepy cat plate things! Remus is going to want one-"  
"Remus does NOT want one."  
"Oh yes Remus does. Now, I'm thinking different colour backgrounds, so maybe the rappers can have red..."  
Remus banged his head on the table in frustration and stood up, running his hand through his hair. "Music…I need _music_...proper music…"  
Running into the kitchen where an oblivious Molly was making lunch, he grabbed the radio and tuned it with a tap of his wand, turning the volume right up.  
 _"And now we have Sirius Black and his Merry Men's new single, Dumbledore must die!"  
_ "ARGHH!" Remus launched the radio across the room in anger, and Kreacher lunged out of his nest under the boiler to grab it, muttering, "My _precious_ …"  
Shuddering, Remus threw himself down in a chair and looked up at Molly tiredly.  
"Are you alright, Remus dear?"  
"It's _Sirius_ …he's a prat!"  
"Yes, I know, dear. But have you heard his new song? I love it! _Dumbledore must die! Dumbledore must die! We will all be fine! Dumbledore must die!"  
_ Backing away from her in horror, Remus ran up the stairs and straight into the twins' bedroom, where they were rapping along to a radio.  
" _Yo, yo, yo, I'm the Boy Who Lived-"  
_ "ARGHH!"  
Remus burst into Hermione and Ginny's room, where they were writing on some painfully-familiar t-shirts, humming to themselves. "Mm…mm…mm…bum…ba bum…bum… _Dumbledore must die!_ "  
"ARGHH! THEY'RE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! I CAN'T…I CAN'T…I MEAN…ARGHH!  
Remus sprinted into Ron and Harry's room, where Ron sat, alone, on his bed, reading a letter.

"Ron!" Remus cried gratefully, sinking down onto the bed next to him. "You haven't been contaminated yet!"  
"Huh?" Ron turned to Remus, showing off his new painted glasses and scar. " _Avada Kedrava I'm the killing king-"  
_ "I GIVE UP!"  
Remus ran out of the bedroom, past the girls and the twins, past Molly and Kreacher, who was snogging his new toy, and into the ball room, where Sirius was practising his dancing in front of the mirrors, singing.  
" _Dumbledore must die!_ Ba bum…mm…ba ba bum… _Dumbledore must DIE!_ Oh, Remus, hi! Did you get me lunch?"  
Remus keeled over, landing on the floor, brain matter leaking out of his ears.  
"Moony? Ah, well. You'll be fine later. _Dumbledore must die!"_

 **Thank you for your reviews!  
Hope you liked it,  
She-who-loves-fanfiction xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I wrote the raps, but Harry Potter is not mine. Humph.  
A/N: Sorry it's been a while! Here we go! I hope you laugh!  
Enjoy xx**

"Okay, everybody ready?"  
Sirius whispered out of the corner of his mouth discreetly as the whole group of them stood, heavily disguised, in the middle of busy Diagon Alley.  
"Yep."  
"Uh-huh."  
"Ug."  
"No." Remus groaned, having recovered from his previous brain injuries, much to his chagrin.  
"Okay. In three…two…one…ACTION!"

The group quickly got in position, reluctantly in Remus' case, and then Sirius hit the button on the boom box he'd been carrying, so that a familiar backing track blasted from the speakers, drowning out all other noise. Passer-byes watched, amused, as the impromptu flash mob began to dance.  
Clicking menacingly, they advanced in a threateningly V formation, with Sirius at the front and Voldemort mysteriously nowhere to be seen. All of the dancers were getting into it; Winky and Umbridge were particularly enthusiastic, clicking along furiously and head-banging violently as they stalked forwards. Meanwhile, Remus trailed along behind them, clicking every once in a while half-heartedly.

When they reached Flourish and Blotts, Snape forward-rolled up to the front, cape flapping behind him and greasy hair flying, then did his short rap, before bowing and running off into Madam Malkin's.

 _"_ _Yeah it's Snape here, Hogwarts resident potions master.  
And when you're done with me, Dumbledore, you'll need more than a plaster!"_

Umbridge tottered forwards, brandishing her hands like claws.  
 _"Cats meow, and kittens purr  
_ _Get out of Hogwarts you slimy cur!"_

Fudge swaggered forward, spinning his lime green bowler hat around his finger.  
" _Hey, Dumbles, I know you want my job,  
But when we're done with you, you'll be ready to sob!"_

Barty Crouch came forwards with Winky on his shoulders.  
" _Ugh ug uh ug ug uh  
_ _Ugh uh uh uh uh uh uh."_

 _"_ _Master Barty says he can do the Cruciatus Curse.  
_ _And he'd love to see you riding in a hearse."_

Remus came forward, rolling his eyes, rapping in the most unenthusiastic voice possible.  
" _I'm a werewolf, it's true, a werewolf is me.  
What the heck Dumbledore, you made me stay in a tree?"_

Bellatrix came forward along with Rabastan Lestrange, and a masked figure that could have been either male or female. Sirius wasn't sure.  
" _My name is not Bella, it's Bellatrix.  
It's just a nickname, and you're out of tricks."  
_"That was _terrible_ …" Sirius sighed, still clicking to either side. Bellatrix nodded, twirling around with the group.  
"I know, baby cousin, but we were on a tight schedule."  
Karkaroff came forward and rapped very quietly in fast Bulgarian that Sirius could make not head nor tail of.

" _Здравейте, аз съм Karkaroff, мразя Дъмбълдор.  
Брадата ми е готина. Това е добре. Дъмбълдор е кретен."  
_"I'm sure that was excellent in Bulgarian!" Sirius whistled appreciatively, twirling, and then counted down under his breath as Harry back-flipped over in front of him, and held his microphone up to his mouth.  
 _  
"Yo, yo, yo, I'm the Chosen One,  
Yet dear old Dumbles treats me like scum."  
_  
"What is his deal with 'yo, yo, yo'?  
"I don't know know know."  
Remus grumbled, and Sirius laughed, before ducking down so that Voldemort could somersault over him and finish with his _awesome_ rap.

" _What's up, mah peeps, old Voldy's the one,  
I promise you, kids; Dumbles isn't much fun.  
Here I am with my gang and my sick tattoos,  
And Dumbles keeps you caged up like animals in zoos!  
Yeah I may not be pretty, I may not be nice,  
But at least my eyes don't twinkle, or look like ice!  
I may not be good, I'll tell you the truth,  
But old Dumbles won't, he'd rather pull out a tooth!  
He parades around Hogwarts, acts like a king,  
But he still hasn't found out about my Horcrux thing.  
I'm the Dark Lord of Evil, The Supreme King of All,  
But at least I'm not ridiculously tall.  
I may be greedy, I may meddle with crime,  
But at least I don't jump with I hear a bell chime.  
I know I am ugly, thank you Mister,  
But did you know he accidentally killed his sister?_

"Ooooh! The BURN!" Sirius cried, and the whole group froze in their ending poses, doing jazz hands.

There was a moment of stunned silence.  
"HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! RUN!"  
The street cleared in a matter of seconds, and Sirius turned around, panting.  
"Well done, guys! That's only the second time they've done that today! I'll see you tomorrow at eleven!"  
The group dispersed rather quickly, and Sirius slung his arm around Remus' shoulder as they walked into the Leaky Cauldron, Sirius pushing his blonde wig out of his eyes. They Disapparated, appearing on the front step of Grimmauld Place, and Remus opened the door.  
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S LEFT SOCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING SIRIUS BLACK?"  
Molly came charging towards them, and Remus did the sensible thing.  
He shut the door.  
There was a loud 'thump' as she hit the doorframe, and then kind, docile Mrs Weasley blasted the door open with her wand, snarling furiously.  
"Molly…the _Muggles_ …" Sirius protested weakly, and Mrs Weasley scoffed.  
"Muggles? I don't care about no MUGGLES! Now get your backside in here so I can tear you apart, limb from limb!"  
"Remus! _Help me_!" Sirius moaned, hiding behind his friend, who was backing away from Mrs Weasley with a worried look in his eyes.  
"Sirius, move!"  
"What? Why?"  
"Because!"  
"WHY?"  
"Just get over here you idiot!"  
Sirius leapt out from behind Remus, who grabbed his arm, Disapparating.

"What did I _do_?" Sirius groaned as Remus pulled him down a grimy alley.  
"I don't think Molly loved you bringing _Voldemort_ into the Order's Headquarters!"  
"But it was only a bit of fun-"  
"SIRIUS BLACK!"  
Mrs Weasley appeared in front of them, and Sirius screamed, using Remus as a human shield.  
"It was Remus' idea!"  
"It was _not_!"  
As they bickered childishly, Mrs Weasley raised her wand with a shout, and Voldemort Apparated in front of her with a _crack_.  
"FOOLISH WOMAN! STAND ASIDE BEFORE I DESTROY YOU!"  
"Will you SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO MURDER THESE TWO!"  
"BUT...BUT...THAT'S MY JOB!"  
"GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU NOSELESS FREAK!"  
Voldemort burst into tears and sunk to the ground, sobbing.

Sirius and Remus became suddenly aware of the danger they were in, and clutched each other desperately.  
"We had a good run, didn't we, Moony?"  
"It was the best."  
Remus closed his eyes dramatically as Mrs Weasley let out a scream.  
"AVADA KED-"  
"Molly!"  
Cornelius Fudge appeared with a pop in front of them, Umbridge clutching his arm.  
"Molly, dear, kindly put down the wand, or I'm afraid Arthur may have to have a quick chat with me in my office."  
"...so?"  
Fudge sighed. "I'm trying to subtly say that I'm going to fire him, my dear. Now put your wand away."  
"But Cornelius-"  
"My Cornelius..." Umbridge hissed, stroking her boss' arm. " _Mine_..."  
Remus grabbed Sirius' arm and shook him, and Sirius opened his eyes incredulously.  
"We're alive?"  
"Yes, now help me!"  
They both wrapped an arm around the Dark Lord and hoisted him to his feet.  
"Come on, Voldy, let's get you home."

And that was how Sirius Black and Remus Lupin found themselves in Malfoy Manor, serving Voldemort of cup of tea and reassuring him that he was, in fact, a beautiful person.

 **...okay.  
I don't really know what happened there.  
Um...I'm just going to go now.  
Did you like it?  
She-who-loves-fanfiction xx**


End file.
